Our Favorite Everyday Fools

Idiocy and fanaticism aren’t limited to just one calendar day a year. And to prove it, we’d like to share a little April Fool’s Day quiz. See if you can spot the one story below that’s not true.

Animal Rights Group Honors Pro-Hunting Congressman – Yesterday Rep. Don Young (R-AK) didn’t feel too honored when the Humane Society of the United States offered him a “humane legislator” award. The 20-term Republican’s response? HSUS has “absolutely nothing to do with animal welfare.”

Millions Wanted to March Against Monsanto – Social media tools were largely responsible for sparking a revolution in Egypt, so they’re sure to topple the green fringe’s nemesis, biotech-improved agriculture. Right? The “Millions Against Monsanto” march attracted less than 7,000 “Likes” on Facebook. And when the big day came, about 50 hippies marched in front of the White House.

PETA Confuses Pet, Human Sterilization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has offered to ensure one lucky guy will never have an unintended “oops” moment in the heat of passion. Have your dog sterilized? For a limited time, you can be neutered too. Snip-snip!

Mensa-Bound Ivy leaguers Give Failing Grade to Vegan Cuisine – College kids tend to be ideologically driven “followers,” but Yale University brainiacs aren’t hopping aboard the vegan bandwagon. “I don’t know anyone who actually enjoys tofu ravioli,” one bookish undergrad told reporters.

Sacre Bleu! New Fad Diet Sweeps France – Ten days of lean meat and oatmeal, and then you can eat bread, cheese, wine, and dessert. The only catch is that you have to exercise every single day. And we’re not talking about a walk around the chateau. Swear off escalators and elevators. And every Thursday you have to swear off Coq au vin.

Kvetching, Worrying, and Melting Those Pounds Away – Forget the stair-climbers and crash diets. It’s your positive thinking that’s keeping you fat. If your “Mary Sunshine,” glass-half-full friends, co-workers, and family members grate on your nerves, just take comfort in knowing that their optimism will eventually make them balloon up like Violet Beauregard. Scientists say so.

Animals Deserve Proper Biblical Names, Too – When the lion lies down with the lamb, they should call each other Ingrid and Neal—at least if PETA gets its way. The group wants translators of the New International Version (NIV) of the Holy Bible to stop referring to every animal as “it.” They want each of those multiplying fishes to have personal pronouns. (Maybe we’ll finally find out if the snake in Genesis was a “him” or a “her.”)

Figured it out yet?

April Fool! They’re all true. You just can’t make this stuff up—which is why we’re here every day. Come back all year ‘round to learn more about the nutty fringe of today’s food movement. You never know what kinds of fools we’ll call out tomorrow.

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