Acknowledging that they have unfairly targeted affordable fish in their campaigns, environmental wizards at Oceana, Greenpeace, and the Environmental Working Group announced their support this morning for a nationwide initiative to persuade pregnant women to eat more canned tuna. And the one-man Mercury Policy Project confirmed moments ago that it’s re-incorporating as the Fish Is Good Food Project.
“We never really meant to drive women screaming and wailing from the seafood counter,” said Oceana’s Jacquie Savitz.* “It just turned out that way. If the stupid power companies had just listened to us in the first place and shut down their coal-burning plants completely, we wouldn’t have had to resort to freaking so many people out about tuna on the Internet.* Of course, we would have had rolling blackouts, too, but that’s beside the point. Everybody knows trace levels of mercury in fish are no big deal. But what do you expect us to do? The ends justify the means.”
In response to today’s sea-change in activist politics, The New York Times has fired* its long-time food columnist, who will no longer have any sources for future scare columns about fish. Consumer Reports magazine, however, maintains that anyone who eats fish will promptly turn into a pillar of salt.
* April Fool!