EXCLUSIVE (Parody): Ingrid Newkirk’s First “15 Questions”

Next week TIME magazine will feature People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) founder Ingrid Newkirk in a “10 questions” feature, answering queries cherry-picked from among hundreds suggested online by readers. Today we’re hearing a rumor—unconfirmed so far—that the published article was actually made up of questions #16 through #25, hastily uploaded to TIME’s website after PETA’s lawyers decided Newkirk had answered the first batch of 15 questions a little too frankly. (Judging from the questions, some of them may have been submitted by our faithful readers.)
The questions are real. The answers are the best form of parody, the kind based on a nugget of truth. So here, without further ado, is Ingrid Newkirk—honestly answering 15 questions from TIME readers.

Luca asks: You have stated in the past that you wish your body to be turned into nuggets and eaten after your death. Is there a particular reason for this? Will there be a signup list? 

Ingrid answers: I don’t care as long as the dipping sauce is vegan. And there is already a signup list. I think the Center for Consumer Freedom snagged the first spot. 

Sarah asks: Why is it that although PETA is the largest champion for animal rights in the world, you are quick to advocate euthanizing stray animals? Do homeless pets have fewer rights than pigs and chickens?

Ingrid answers: I can neither confirm nor deny allegations that PETA receives the bulk of its funding from a cabal of power-hungry livestock. But I will say that George Orwell was on to something with his observation that “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” And besides, we never expected anyone to find out about our massive animal killing campaign.

Linus asks: When “South Park” laughed at your organisation in that 2004 “Douche and Turd” episode, was that at all funny to you? 

Ingrid answers: I find that sort of nonsense offensive. What sort of monsters would make fun of perfectly normal ostrich-human carnal relations? (Click here and forward to time index 14:14)

Bill asks: Human beings are omnivores; we are meant to eat meat … How do you justify imposing your will on me? 

Ingrid answers: Bill, Bill, Bill … I know what’s best for you. And your children. And their children. Can’t you just be grateful instead of resisting progress? Or at least write us a check.

Darren asks: Do you ever feel that some of PETA’s more extremist actions have hurt your cause rather than aiding it by alienating a potentially receptive public? 

Ingrid answers: I get this question a lot, but I think you’re just looking at it wrong. If some people can’t appreciate the hilarity of comparing the Nazi Holocaust to a chicken farm, I don’t think we need their help. What kind of sick human would value his own family more than a chicken, anyway?

Steven asks: I understand that the #2 person in PETA is diabetic and takes animal-based drugs to treat it. How do you justify that given PETA’s stance on animal based drugs? 

Ingrid answers: You’re talking about Mary Beth Sweetland, an insulin diabetic who used to lead our programs aimed at shutting down all animal-based medical research, including work to cure AIDS and cancer. Thankfully, she works for another animal rights group now. So her rank hypocrisy is their problem, not ours.

Delmar asks: Animals kill each other in the wild. It’s how nature works. As the most evolved of all the animals, why shouldn’t we exercise the same privilege? 

Ingrid answers: How dare you suggest that humans are the most evolved animals! What basis could you possibly have for that sort of speciesist bigotry? Besides, everyone knows that bunny rabbits are far ahead of us technologically. 

Kim asks: If, as you say, our pets deserve equal rights, don’t they have the right to refuse to have their reproductive organs removed? 

Ingrid answers: Heck no. And why are you assuming I’m against people having their reproductive organs forcibly removed either? We’re over-populating the planet as it is. Let’s sterilize everyone equally and let Mother Earth sort it out. (You go first.) 

Howard asks: Is it really true that you once protested about Palestinians using donkeys to blow up Israeli school children, but that you were only complaining about the donkeys that were being harmed and not the innocent school children? 

Ingrid answers: Actually, I also pleaded in private with His Excellency, Chairman Arafat, to spare as many camels as possible.

Thomas asks: As a proud vegetarian for twenty years I wonder if some of PETA’s more extreme views and stunts have made animal activism seem less reasonable. Can you help me understand what your goals are? 

Ingrid answers: I’m glad you asked. Our primary goal is to make other radical animal rights groups (like the Humane Society of the United States) seem “reasonable” by comparison. Study up on the Irish Republican Army and Sinn Fein. You’ll see what I mean. 

Brad asks: Isn’t mass arson to university [animal research] labs far more of a travesty than eating a chicken? 

Ingrid answers: Heck no. The animal rights movement has been warning research scientists for decades that we’re coming after them, their families, and their universities. They’ve had plenty of warnings. On the other hand, the chicken never sees the axe coming, poor thing. 

Benjamin asks: If I gave you some soy “chicken” and you ate it, and then later I told you it was real chicken, would you be all like “ew!”? What if the chicken was an orphan? Wouldn’t you feel even worse? Well guess what, Ingrid? I work at your favorite restaurant and I did that. You ate dead orphan chicken. You’re an awful person.  p.s.: In my imagination you’re my girlfriend.   

Ingrid answers: I tried that exact stunt once with Ted Nugent, but in reverse. When I put a carrot in his hot-dog bun instead of that horrible bratwurst, he just smiled and said it would make good bait for his rabbit traps. p.s.: In my imagination Ted’s my boyfriend. 

Bob asks: Why are you no different than any other person, a la Terrell Owens, or Kim Jong Il, who make fantastic and ludicrous statements to garner the media’s attention? 

Ingrid answers: I am far more ambitious than those amateurs. 

Steve asks: How much of the 30 million donated [to PETA] goes in your pocket?

Ingrid answers: I wear skirts. 

Robert asks: Are you certified insane?

Ingrid answers: Define “certified.”


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